being ok with the new us

fancy free - one week before finding out about C

Sidebar: I had been drafting something for lifeispleasing for the two-month mark of parenthood - a few little eye-openers about babies. But, of course, "something" distracted me and I never got around to posting it. However, my friend Lauren, whose baby girl Georgia was born the evening before Casper, did an incredible job summing up what I probably would have babbled on about for pages and pages. Check out her blog, Grown Up Party, here. 

It's no secret that having a baby was not part of the plan for Lucas and I at this particular stage in our lives and marriage. I always like to express this whenever I talk about having Casper only a few years into marriage. I use to be of the opinion that people who got pregnant young/early into the marriage were throwing the best years of their lives away - the DINK years. The years to dance, and travel, and have crazy nights filled with wild antics and meeting people and doing the things you'll never get to do once you finally do buy a house and have babies; the days to not be quite a grownup yet, but still getting to cash in on some sweet benefits of adulthood including enjoying a partnership with your best friend.

But now I am one of those people I secretly judged. We were only married a year when we found out about baby C. And although a part of me misses what we had during that first year, I am learning to embrace this shift in our lives and our marriage. Because while it has been a challenge and has, at times, brought out my absolute worst, being a parent has simultaneously allowed me to experience Lucas, and my life in general, in light of the kind of vulnerability only having a baby could have lead us to.

the day before we found out, we were enjoying DINK to the fullest

I've had moments in the past three months, where I'll look at Lucas from across the room after saying something nasty and short-tempered and immediately feel a pit in my stomach wondering how I let myself get to that place again. Instead of embracing him with a warm hug when he comes home from work, some days I greet him covered in dried spit-up, a messy ponytail, wearing only underwear and the same t-shirt I slept in, practically begging for him to take Casper because I am on the verge of losing my patience. While not everyday is this extreme, the days that are can really bring me, and us, down. And while we may have so much to check in with each other on to make sure that our marriage isn't taking a back seat to our baby, sometimes by the time we have a moment to chat, all we want to do is curl up in bed and pass out! I miss having so much fuel in my tank to give deserved love to a guy who works so hard everyday for our family. I miss feeling sexy and social and vibrant when there are lots of days I just feel worn down, messy, fat, and tired.

i was a little overwhelmed

But I do have to say that with all of the struggles and guilt, and stress and strain that having a baby has placed on our marriage, how incredible it's been to see our hearts, and attitude, and love for each other change for the better. There is nothing like the moments where the three of us are together - Casper being his usual weird self while Lucas and I are unable to contain our laughter and amusement with him. There is nothing like seeing Lucas come out of the bedroom after an hour of patiently bouncing an over-tired baby to sleep - pure relief and satisfaction! There's nothing like being told I'm the most beautiful woman in the world when I have bags under my eyes and haven't shaved my legs in over a week, because I know he doesn't see me with the same eyes that he use to see me with. Everything about our lives just became a little more complicated. But in the shift, has there also entered a deepness and rawness with each other like I didn't even know was possible. The hugs are different now; the cuddles are different; the I-Love-You's are different, now that we have a baby. Nothing has opened our hearts to one another, nothing makes me enjoy the simple things about our marriage, and truly nothing has made me love this man more than Casper joining our lives. I can't possibly think of a better team-building exercise that could have strengthened us as a unit more than having a baby together. We're not the same us that we were in the first few photos here, but I'm really ok with the new us.

still fancy and over the moon for each other. c, not so much.

This is still just the beginning of a journey for the new [parent-version] us. Happy (late) 2nd Anniversary to the man of my heart, the father of my son, my ride-or-die, partner in crime, perfect-puzzle-piece-of-a-match, Man. Happy one year anniversary to us on the day we found out we would be parents. Casper, thanks for coming. You have been the best surprise we didn't know we wanted and a source of inspiration now and for years to come.