caffine & Happy Man

I should not drink coffee in order to stay awake for my night class... But I do anyways. And today, I had a nap. Therefore, I can't sleep right now. On top of my high energy, I have a persistent cough. It doesn't even hurt - it's just annoying. So being that I have some time on my hands, I lay in bed with my computer. I day-dream. I check facebook (& maybe I did creep some of the highlights in the news feed). I turn out my light. I talk to God. I cuddle with Mitch (the penguin). I then start talking to Jude (in a very realistic way) and realize I probably am not falling asleep any time soon.
I feel like I did when I was a little girl. You're tired all day and then as soon as mom says it's bed time, you are wide awake. Les and I used to sleep in the same bed all the time and I remember falling asleep was the last thing we could do. Especially when we had babysitters. We would just talk and play and laugh and tell stories and one favorite game was seeing who could shoot little balls of wool out of their nostril the farthest. Very entertaining, indeed. I feel like that right now.

So I am going to write a blog about the black man with dreds who sits on St. Ninians Street. I don't really get it but this is a route I walk to school every day. I've never talked to the black man with dreds who sits on St. Ninians Street (for the purpose of this blog, I shall call him HM, short for Happy Man because he's, well, a happy man), but that never stops him from making the effort... and neither does the fact that I purposely walk on the opposite side of the street.
HM literally sits out on his patio all day on St. Ninians. I don't know his purpose in life - if he's a student or if he's working full time, part time, or if he's just a lazy ass bum who has a trust fund. All I know is that I can count on him being on his patio 80% of the time. Another 10%, he's walking around in front of his patio. It's a pretty busy street, St. Ninians, because the students use it a lot for their comings and goings.
And in addition to his consistency of being on his patio, he also seems to consistently be happy, loud, and extremely willing to meet people. As people walk by he just starts talking to them, very loudly. Like I said, I walk on the other side of the street, yet he still yells from across the traffic "Are you having a good day?!" "Keep smiling!"
Haha I don't understand his intentions. Others have told me he offers them beer and I can usually hear some reggae music coming from inside of his little bungalo house.
I guess the reason I write about him is because while he's odd, he makes me very curious. He strikes a chord with me that no one ever has. I mean we all have seen people who siton the streets just talking to randoms because they want some company. But something tells me that HM is different. I feel like his efforts are for the sake of others. I wonder what life would be like if we all slowed down and like HM just told people to smile. Left notes under people's books, and bought an extra cookie for the person behind you in the line up. It makes me happy to think that some people aren't caught up in gain or in fortune. But just in people, in happiness, in smiling, in living and enjoying and slowing down to take in all that oxygen and be thankful for it. I am happy HM has inspired me to try to do that more... even though I am way too scared to talk to him.

scrambled eggs

today I feel like scrambled eggs.

scrraaaammm scraaam sccraaam.
there.
scrambled eggs.

oh, how he loves us

It's actually not even remotely fathomable how much he cares for us. Even through the most fearful moments in our lives, it's really wonderful to know that we have a mighty, amazing, and loving God to cling to. And that our efforts may end but His never do.
He is holding my hand and loving me in a way I will never understand.
And I have everything to worship him for.
Thank you, God. You are good.

:: Your life is a miracle, and the Creator of the universe knows you by name.

::He's big enough to breathe out our stars, yet intricate enough to fashion together the trillions of cells that make up every facet of who you are :: The God who spoke the universe into existence made you, too, and knows everything about you :: From the smallest molecule to the situation you find yourself in right now, He's aware of your circumstances and intimately acquainted with everything you do. And He cares about you and promises to carry you through.

:: That's where we find hope in the midst of the darkest places in life. The journey often complicated and painful, filled with confusion and chaos. Yet, the cross of Christ reveals God's promise to preserve and restore you no matter what the circumstance :: He will Hold onto you and hold you together, giving strength to those who hope in His unfailing love.

:: He is the everlasting God.

mooshy gooshy mumble fumble swooshy

feelings of inept
continue to linger in
the hope that once burned bright
is slowly growing dim
am i wrong?
do i belong?
should i listen to my hearts song?
it's playing in a minor key
now that things are wrong
but it wasn't long ago
it sounded like the angels' song

i come and then i go
in and out of phases
in and out of stages
of plays and and circus cages
one time to be loved
and sometimes just paraded
but no matter where i tend to stand
i continue to believe
i have purpose and He has planned
i'm where i'm suppose to be

i'm in a swarming vortex
a whirlwind of expectation
bars to be reached
standards, met
it's complete exasperation
it can bring me to my knees
where everything is healed
or i fall deeper into doubt
on the floor in fetal
i want my insides to explode
so that everybody feels
the heart and soul
i want them to hold
so they can know what's real
and i can stop pretending
and playing these roles
i can stop defending
the raw and real version of my soul
the one with holes
the one with sores
the one that has beauty
the one that wants more

i feel evaporated
what do i have to give?
who am i?
and what is this?
please just let me live.
let me be
and let me grow
let me see
and let me know
i feel i lose a piece of me
when acknowledgment is absent
i can't explore the inner being
and i end up feeling resentment
i try to change the shape i am
so i can fit into the hole that's been cut for me
but nothing about this hole
truly let's me see
the deeper version of me
begging to be free
begging to be seen
eye to eye
nose to nose
toe to toe
heart to heart



















dying to be known
as the inner core of me
hoping to be shown
that's all i need to be


'cause at the end of the day
that's all that i can be
i hope that i'm okay
this girl, rena marie

fumbling her confidence.

I'm in a new period of my life where I am constantly disappointed with the way I look. It's so easy to get caught up in image - especially when school just started and I'm around all these amazing looking girls all the time. & the argument is typical: "You're not ugly... you're SO pretty! I'M UGLY. Look at this (grabs skin on butt)." Sarah and I had a convo about this. It's like we're suppose to complain about the way we look. And when our friends do, we're suppose to tell them their crazy, and then compete with them about who needs to lose weight more. It sounds ridiculous, but when you think about it, 90% of the time a girl complains about the way she looks with a group of girls, another will chime in with equal negativity about herself.
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life:
Trial. Error. Self-disappointment. Of course, that's not to say there aren't times where I'm happy with the way things turned out, but of course those times are completely overshadowed by the times I feel inadequate. Whenever this happens, I come to the same place - on my knees; with teary eyes and an open heart; sad, alone and vulnerable.
When I have those times, whether it's feeling ugly, stupid, a failure, socially unaccepted, or anything that makes me feel like less of a ME than I truly am, there is no way that anyone can tell me otherwise. It's not that I don't have good friends, but when I'm told "You're so pretty" or "You are so smart" etc., it doesn't change the way I feel about myself. Because the truth is, there is no one who can feel or think for you. It's you - only you. It's me. And my girl Sarah said it well: "You really can't expect anyone - not me, not your mom, not Riley, to convince you of how amazing you are Rena. You need to find it in yourself and let it manifest in your life." It's true. No one wants to be that girl with low self-confidence and complete insecurity - it creates a lot of problems in the relationships around you.
For me, finding my beauty in myself translates to finding my beauty, security, and identity in my savior, Jesus Christ. It's getting down to the raw, real, daughter of the Most High, Rena Murray, and realizing how spectacular she is. A+ or D. Size 2 or size 6. Zits or not. Long hair or short. Tanned or pale. Success or failure. Gain or loss. It's not my heart. It's not my soul. It's not me and it's not Christ. It's superficial shit that invades our lives and takes away from what is real and what is good.
I don't even put my iPod on shuffle anymore when I go to the gym. I'd rather not listen to some rapper sing about his girls tight ass. Instead, I put Bethany Dillon's Beautiful on repeat, and let the words sink into my heart. I am trying really hard to know what real beauty is. I think it's a worth-while journey to embark on :)

"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

the countdown begins

Actually, the X-Ring countdown has begun since I registered at St.FX in 2006. However, now that I can say I have tried it on and ordered it, it hasn't felt more legitimate to this date. I am more than happy about my size 5.5, 2-face, 10k yellow gold 2010 X-ring!! It looks phenomenal and I feel so excited.
83 days folks, and counting down.

inspiration

steps:

#1. find something worth being inspired by

#2. focus your attention and energy on it

#3. be inspired

#4. act

just a healthy reminder i want you to keep in your back pocket at all times